Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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