I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
