Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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