remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
