I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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