I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
