we made out on top of his cat.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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