I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize