Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
