we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
