a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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