I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
