Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
