he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Pants are for mortals
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