you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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