four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
