Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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