I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Just puked most of my soul out..
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
