I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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