but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Randomize
