i just sent this text using only my big toe
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
