My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
