covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
