did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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