Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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