I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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