Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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