they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
