I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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