I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
