sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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