I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
