I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
