Just fell off a train. Bad.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
