I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
