woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
