allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
