why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
