This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
