All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
