I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize