I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
