How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
