Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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