I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
