you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
