The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
