I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
