i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize