If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
