I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
