soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
