dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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