Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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