i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize