Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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