Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
