My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
