Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
