small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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