3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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