I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Randomize
