what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
