I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
