I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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