I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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