11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
